GetOut Magazine

‘Underclassman’ aims at high school, hits kindergarten
By CRAIG OUTHIER
GET OUT

One Chris Tucker per lifetime is plenty, so what's the point of having a Nick Cannon? In “Underclassman,” Cannon (“Drumline”) talks like Tucker, brays like Tucker and gets in yo face like Tucker — if obnoxious movie-star personas were protected by federal copyright laws, the “Friday” comedian would have an open-and-shut case.

The difference is, Cannon isn't remotely funny as Tracy Stokes, a shrill, fast-talking braggart who also happens to be an LAPD cop. Impulsive in the extreme, Stokes is a headache for his crusty commanding officer, Captain Delgado (Cheech Marin), who's constantly barking stuff like “Stokes! My office!” and “You're a good cop, but you're dangerous!” Suffice to say, screenwriting this leprous should be removed from society and given its own colony somewhere.

When a string of car thefts points to an upscale (read: Mostly white) private high school, Stokes goes undercover as a student, which is convenient since he dropped out of school himself and never got his degree (apparently, the LAPD has lower admission standards than Burger King). Wowing onlookers with his basketball skills, his personal watercraft skills, his rugby skills and street-brawling skills, Stokes earns the confidence of the campus golden boy (Rob Donovan), who's also his top suspect. Concurrently, Stokes strikes up a flirtation with a sexy Spanish teacher (Roselyn Sanchez), who — despite her looks and impeccable pedigree — finds something attractive about this scrawny, insecure and, it must be said, rather dimwitted child.

Every time it seems like “Underclassman” couldn't possibly get any more insipid, director Marcos Siega and screenwriters David Wagner and Brent Goldberg (working from a story idea that Cannon devised himself) discover new, astonishing ways to out-dumb themselves. The finale is a true piece of Ed Wood-esque art, clumsily manufactured so Stokes gets to save the girl and dispatch a hated adult authority figure.

Rarely has a movie that labored so hard to be cool — with its myriad sport scenes and sassy teen attitude — been so laughably out-of-touch.

Cannon may yet go on to make better movies, but this sophomoric no-pass will always be on his transcripts.

‘Underclassman'
Starring: Nick Cannon, Roselyn Sanchez, Shawn Ashmore,
Cheech Marin
Rating: PG-13 (violence, sexual references, drug material and some teen drinking)
Running time: 95 minutes
Playing: Opens Friday in
Valley theaters