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Advice Goddess
| Advice Goddess: Lesbian wonders if male 'soul mate’ might work without sex | ||||
| By Amy Alkon, For Get Out | ||||
| July 9, 2008 | ||||
A: Picture your situation as an episode of “Fear Factor.” Host Joe Rogan turns to you and says, “Okay, missy, it’s time ... strip down to your bra and panties and lie in bed with your soul mate!” You freeze and whisper to Rogan, “Is it too late to take the night in the body bag with giant hissing cockroaches, flesh-eating worms, crickets and stink beetles?” It seems you’re a lesbian, not a “lesbian” who takes vacations. But, hey, why let that stop you from getting into a relationship with a straight guy? After all, as you point out, lots of hetero women have low sex drives, and lots of them are married. The question is, do you have a low sex drive? Or, better yet, a nonexistent one? Does he? If not, you can announce that there will be none of that “mutual pants-less-ness,” and he could be nodding like a bobblehead, but he’ll be thinking, “Nah, I’ll get there. Just a matter of time.” It isn’t a malevolent thing, just how guys are wired. Little by little, he’ll work on wearing you down: “We’ll just watch a movie on the couch.” “Just take off your shirt.” “Just take off your sports bra.” So you have “feelings” for the guy; I mean, in addition to finding him sexually repellent. You’ve known him forever, you have this amazing connection ... why not add a whole new level to your relationship? No, not sex, but bitterness and resentment after he’s hurt that you won’t just try a little ride or two, and you’re hurt that he just won’t stop trying. But, if only he were a woman! If only you were bi! — as if bisexuals are the garbage dump of sexuality, attracted to anyone. Go ahead, keep wishing, but it won’t change the fact that the partner for you doesn’t have a hairy chest and a big package (except, perhaps, at the drag king show at GirlBar). So, what happened? Tough times in lesbotown with the last few girlfriends? As hard as it is to find somebody you connect with on all the important levels, you can’t settle for somebody you connect with on almost all the important levels. Be this guy’s friend by making him aware of how utterly nuts it would be for you to be his girlfriend. Be kind, but hit hard enough to knock the illusions out of his head: “Nothing personal, but my idea of an intense night in bed with the man I love is a heated political debate yelled between the top bunk and the bottom.” Q: I last wrote you upon learning my wife had three previous husbands, not two. After enduring her lies and spending issues, plus having her deny me sex for seven years (starting with a sharp elbow in my chest when I tried to spoon), I’m out. I’m thrilled it’s over, but terrified to start a relationship and possibly repeat the horror. — Some Encouragement, Please A: On seven separate occasions, Bank of America’s tellers handed out a total of $12,000 of my money to thieves, including a woman with missing teeth and a fake driver’s license in my name with the wrong expiration date. Meanwhile, their spokeswoman, Betty Riess, brags to the media that they have “multiple layers of security.” Uh, such as ... asking a thief whether she’d like my money in $10s, $20s or $100s? You probably have a similar method for vetting women — pretty much just hoping they are who they claim to be. Just be vigilant. Listen, observe, analyze. Take your time. Most people can’t entirely hide who they are unless you help by closing your eyes and crossing your fingers — behavior that can lead to dangerous unprotected sex; in your case, spooning without a hockey goalie chest guard. Contact writer: Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave. No. 280 Santa Monica, CA 90405 or AdviceAmy@aol.com Contact Amy Alkon by email. |
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