Miss, my drink is too weak. Do you think you could top me off?’’ “Bartender, this Jack and Coke is too strong! Are you trying to get me drunk?’’

“Excuse me, but I desperately need a beer!’’

I'm not sure what I was thinking giving up my usual cozy spot at downtown Scottsdale lounge Drinx to get behind the bar for a four-hour bartending stint on a busy Friday night.

Feeling like Goldilocks, I found myself desperately seeking approval from customers. I wanted to pour them a drink that was just right — enough alcohol to give them a pick-me-up, but not so much they'd leave seeing double.

Thankfully, assistant bar manager Tom Jonovich had given me a quick rundown on where everything was stored, from the highball glasses to cigars to various beers. Then he handed me a bottle opener that quickly became my new best friend.

During the first 30 minutes — despite Jonovich's reminders to “be confident’’ — I couldn't stop my hands from shaking.

Jonovich and bartender Aimee Schmeichel walked me through some basic well drinks, such as a vodka-and-cranberry and a kamikaze shot.

Schmeichel clapped like a proud teacher — which was a tad embarrassing — when I made one of my first cocktails.

My night consisted of opening quite a few beer bottles (usually Miller Lite or Bud Light for men, Michelob Ultra for ladies) as well as mixing well drinks, shots and a couple of elaborate martinis. Surprisingly, it was a lot easier than I imagined, and by my final hour I was moving around with ease.

The best part of bartending? The tips. I quickly discovered that men were more generous than women. One guy tipped me $5 for a $3.50 beer, and a group of men gave me a $15 tip for a $21 round of shots. Women
usually tipped $1 or $2 per drink.

“I think that women have a tighter hold on their checkbook these days,’’ Schmeichel says. “They'd rather put the money toward an extra pair of shoes than leave it for us.’’

Jonovich says he once received a $100 tip for serving a man a glass of water, while Schmeichel scored $100 for serving a well drink.

Of course, I didn't keep any of my tips. The money was split up at the end of the night among the real bartenders, who usually work six- or seven-hour shifts.

Socializing with attractive male customers was another bonus. I received a few phone numbers (which I won't be calling) and heard a couple of pick-up lines (“Are you new here? I thought I knew all of the beautiful bartenders, but I was wrong.’’).

Schmeichel, 26, says getting hit on comes with the job.

“The liquid courage helps the guys,’’ she says. “But most of them are more playful than anything.’’

Best of all, if my writing career doesn't work out, Jonovich says he would hire me.

“For as shaky as you were when you first started, you caught on really quickly,’’ he says. “And you were really friendly with the customers and moved pretty fast.’’

Schmeichel also was impressed.

“You had a good attitude,’’ she says. “You got the hang of it and had a lot of fun back there.’’