After the Oedipal wreck that was Ang Lee's “Hulk” and the stark pro-individualism of “Batman Begins,” the most extraordinary thing about “Fantastic Four” is that it doesn't strive to capture any particular philosophy. Here, for once, is a superhero thriller that's strictly jumpsuit-deep.

And that's probably a good thing, because what are the Fantastic Four if not the ’N Sync of the superhero world? In the hands of director Tim Story — who won the job, somewhat unbelievably, on the strength of his Jimmy Fallon/Queen Latifah groan-a-thon “Taxi” — the longtime Marvel Comics heroes assume suitably boy-bandish cinematic form: Well-choreographed, infrequently entertaining, eminently corny. All that's missing are the dance routines.

True to Stan Lee's original comic, the adventure begins when cash-strapped scientist Reed Richards (Welshman Ioan Gruffudd, “King Arthur”) — here a stalwart humanitarian with crummy business sense — leads his research team into space to study a primordial interstellar cloud that might magically unlock the cure to every malady known to man. And yet, Richards’ flyboy enforcer, Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis from “The Shield”), accuses their investor, prophetically named billionaire Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon), of practicing “fast-food, strip-mall science.” Unsteadily penned by screenwriters Michael France (“The Punisher”) and Mark Frost (“Twin Peaks”), “Fantastic Four” is the sort of rigor-free sci-fi confection that sounds most stupid when it tries to sound smart.

Instead of yielding a miracle panacea, the space-cloud dramatically alters the DNA of Richards and his team, affording them superpowers that serve as ironic reflections of their own personalities. Richards, the rigidly logical lab-wonk, acquires the ability to elastically distort his body like a piece of human taffy. Grimm, the loyal sidekick, becomes a pile of man-shaped granite, aka The Thing (contrary to fanboy kvetching, Chiklis’ neoprene Thing-suit doesn't look that bad). Quite appropriately, Richards’ nakedly emotional ex-girlfriend, Sue Storm (Jessica Alba from “Sin City”) can turn invisible at will. Finally, Sue's brash kid brother, Johnny Storm (Chris Evans from “Cellular”), delights in his newfound ability to conjure flames from his body and propel himself through the air.

Despite the tufts of gray that appear above his ears, Gruffudd is, ahem, a stretch as “Mr. Fantastic” — he's too young, definitely, and perhaps too delicate. Alba is similarly miscast as “The Invisible Woman” — blond dye-job, blue contacts and overall pertness notwithstanding, she looks nothing like the WASPy Sue Storm (or like Evans, playing her brother). As the only character who can't revert back to his normal form, Chiklis shoulders the movie's dramatic burden, expressed in two awesomely silly scenes where Grimm's once-loyal wife rejects his new persona, and two more in which he strikes up a romance reminiscent of “The Mask” with a blind woman (Kerry Washington). A word to the wise, ma'am: Dating The Thing is liable to result in problem chafing.

Though Story and his screenwriters make game allusions to the “disease” that afflicts Richards and his team (inspired, no doubt, by “X-Men”), the real metaphorical issue at hand is that of celebrity. While Johnny, as the self-anointed Human Torch, embraces his newfound notoriety (a la Lindsay Lohan), Grimm rejects it and wails for privacy (a la Harrison Ford). As such, “Fantastic Four” offers all the urgency and tantalizing human drama of thumbing through an issue of Us Weekly. Certainly, it's nowhere near as fun, thoughtful or visually captivating as Pixar's “Fantastic”-influenced “The Incredibles.”

McMahon, known to fans of tawdry cable television as Dr. Christian Troy on “Nip/Tuck,” makes for a nourishingly dastardly (if deeply clichéd) villain as Von Doom, whose space-cloud episode brings to the surface the cold, metallic tyrant that we know lurks under the skin of every billionaire industrialist. After their positive treatment in “Batman Begins,” it looks like empire-builders are the enemy again.

Fantastic Four
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Michael Chiklis, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Julian McMahon
Rating: PG-13 (sequences of intense action and some suggestive content)
Running time: 105 minutes
Playing: Opens Friday in Valley theaters
Grade:C-