Not to get all catty on you, but ‘‘Garfield: The Movie’’ is without question the most psychotically dull thing to hit movie theaters since Mariah Carey valium-tripped through ‘‘Glitter.’’ It makes the comic strip itself look positively heart-stopping by comparison.

Sadly, if unsurprisingly, the exploits of a wise-cracking, overfed tabby don't translate as electrifyingly on screen as they do in Jim Davis’ 25-year-old breakfast table standard, even when the fat feline in question is voiced by deadpan specialist Bill Murray (‘‘Stripes’’).

Relegated to a diet of stale puns (at one point, Garfield makes a funny about the ‘‘the Catkins Diet’’) and ear- punishing musical numbers, Murray is powerless to revive this gasping corpse of a family comedy. Banal in the extreme, it's the sort of soul-poisoning paycheck job that made Bob Harris, Murray's alter ego in ‘‘Lost in Translation,’’ want to curl up in a bottle of scotch and hide from the world.

As the lone computer-generated lifeform in this less-than-wild animal kingdom created by director Pete Hewitt (‘‘Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey’’), Garfield is up to usual tricks: pilfering milk, scarfing down lasagna, directing snotty remarks at his owner Jon (Breckin Meyer from ‘‘Road Trip’’), who has a crush on a shapely veternarian named Liz (Jennifer Love Hewitt from ‘‘Party of Five’’).

Jon's heterosexual tendencies, revealed to us in the early going, come as something of shock, considering he's a Volvo-driving, single male who lives in a pastel-toned bungalow that's filled with framed photos of his cat.

As a favor to Liz, Jon adopts a lovable, tail-chasing mutt named Odie, inflaming Garfield's sibling jealousies and touching off a snooze-inducing intrigue involving an animal-abusing TV personality (Stephen Tobolowsky) who steals Odie to enhance the appeal of his show.

All the while, Hewitt (no relation to the actress) directs the movie as if he were afraid of breaking the speed limit, constantly applying the breaks, tirelessly indulging the script's stultifying lack of invention and wit. How's this for a low point? When Garfield feels the squeeze of Jon's Odie-love, Murray breaks into a doleful rendition of Billy Joel's ‘‘New York State of Mind’’ — only the filmmakers have changed the lyrics to ‘‘New Dog State of Mind.’’

Egad. It's enough to make even the most die-hard feline fancier feel downright catatonic.

Grade: D

‘Garfield: The Movie’
Starring: Bill Murray (voice), Breckin Meyer, Jennifer Love Hewitt
Rating: PG (brief mild profanity)
Running time: 78 min.
Playing: Opens Friday at theaters Valleywide